


Keep Finding my Heart

by AllThoseOtherWorlds



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brainwashing, Gen, Heaven, Love, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Of humanity in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 00:45:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1569761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThoseOtherWorlds/pseuds/AllThoseOtherWorlds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Too much heart was always Castiel's problem. </i>
</p>
<p>Castiel has disobeyed for humanity many times, and every time he is wiped of the traitorous feelings. Still, some things just don't die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Finding my Heart

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I do not make money from this.**
> 
> **Comments and constructive criticisms are always welcome! Even if you didn't finish reading the piece, I'd like to know what you did and/or didn't like.**
> 
> **This was written for a Story a Day prompt requiring a story involving a character who is passionate about something, but unable to fulfill that passion.**

                At first, curiosity is encouraged. Castiel is allowed to skim over the surface of the still-changing Earth, new and beautiful. He explores the microbes in the soil and the vast expanses of desert and forest. He sees the peaks of the mountains and is allowed to care that they are beautiful. He is allowed to explore the shorelines with nothing more than a “Don’t step on that fish, Castiel” from Gabriel, who is watching him.

                And then things change.

                Lucifer rebels, as he makes his own opinion and his own way, and their Father leaves. Castiel does not know their Father, except as all angels know Him, and although he is sad, he knows he must have faith that it is for the best. After all, their Father was meant to create a world, and the Earth is no longer empty.

                The other angels do not see it like that. They see a threat; they see a warning. Passion is to be suppressed at all costs – passion against humanity is what cause Lucifer to fall.

                It doesn’t happen immediately. First there is _more_ passion – arguments and warfare and enough conflict to force Gabriel away. It is, perhaps, ironic that as Gabriel leaves so too does the conflict from which he was trying to escape.

                Throughout all of this, Castiel is trying to continue as he has always been. He is younger than his siblings – the last angel to be created – and although it hurts him deeply when his brothers leave, it is not enough to break him.

                He continues to watch the Earth from a distance, admiring the first stubborn advances of humanity upon the world. He cares about them as he does his brothers, not only because his Father commanded it but because he sees in them the potential to change.

                He does not think he understands free will, not really. He is already ancient but he is also very young, and all he knows of choice is that Lucifer brought the fall upon himself.

                Still, he thinks he would like to learn. He loves these humans already, and the changes he sees in them are not unlike the ones he sees in his brothers more and more now, warlike and angry.

                It scares him.

                After Gabriel leaves, Castiel is no longer able to ignore the changes his brothers are instigating. It begins with the formation of garrisons, and the creation of armies. No longer are they simply angels watching and guiding the Earth – now they are warriors assigned to specific and all-important duties.

                                In addition to a garrison, all angels are ordered to meet with Naomi. Castiel has never met her before, and does not know why he must meet her now, but he has nothing against the idea. He finds her in an isolated corner of Heaven, and tilts the head of his true form in a habit that has earned him nothing but teasing from his siblings.

                “Hello?”

                “Hello Castiel,” she says, voice pleasant but cold.

                Castiel does not remember anything else she says. In fact, he finds himself in one of his favourite corners of Heaven with no memory of any angel named Naomi, and no memory that their Father has ever left. He does know that passion is bad, and that he is an angel, and that angels are not permitted to feel.

                He will do his duty.

                One day, Castiel is with Uriel and Anneal, watching the goings-on of one of the first human cities. Three children are playing in the dirt with some stones, and Castiel watches, fascinated by both their simple happiness and their creativity. He knows he is not permitted to find overt pleasure in watching them, but he feels that curiosity is probably acceptable, and is willing to take the risk.

                “Castiel,”

                It is Anneal who speaks to him, as leader of the garrison. “We have a task.”

                Castiel is surprised. The garrisons were dispatched a mere century ago, but so far they have been told to do nothing but watch. Now, it seems, that is about to change.

                “What are we to do?” he asks.

                Anneal looks at the city impassively as she replies. “We have received orders to destroy the town.”

                For a moment, Castiel can do nothing but stare at her in shock, the energy of his true form pulsing against this vessel’s skin with it. He has been doing his duty; he has been watching. The city has done nothing wrong as far as he can tell.

                “Why?”

                Anneal turns on him, wings flaring dangerously. “We do not get to ask _why_ , Castiel. We _obey_. It is the word of God.”

                Castiel nods, and tells himself that she is right: he is not supposed to feel, not supposed to question, simply supposed to obey. He must purge himself of these impulses.

                They set to work destroying the city, tearing down buildings and forcefully separating souls from their bodies as they make their way amid the screams. Castiel follows his orders, but it is hard to pretend that the sense of _wrong_ is from the people they are destroying, rather than the core of his own Grace.

                The second time he receives such an order, he forgets his duty entirely.

                “Castiel,” Naomi says, and he isn’t sure why her voice sounds vaguely familiar. “Do you know what you have done wrong?”

                “Yes,” Castiel says, and if his voice is a little more petulant and defiant than an angel’s ought to be, she doesn’t acknowledge it. “I know.”

                She tells him anyway. “You refused an order, Castiel. You saved those people instead of killing them – even tried to fight off your own siblings at one point. Fortunately, you never made any attempt to seriously hurt them, but this is a very grave matter.”

                Castiel looks down, wings pulling into himself in deference to her chastisement. “I know,” he says, but he cannot leave it at that. “Those people were innocent,” he finds himself explaining. “They did not have to die.”

                “It is not your place to decide such matters,” Naomi informs him. “You care too much, Castiel. Do not let it happen again.”

                When Castiel finds himself once more with his garrison, he remembers nothing of the attack, of his impudence, or of his meeting with Naomi. He does remember that he is an angel, and passion is not something he is able to feel.

                The next time Castiel meets Naomi is a mere century and a half later, after being ordered to slaughter a gathering of people who misinterpreted stories of Lucifer and deified him.

                “They did not understand,” he pleads. “They were just trying to have faith!”

                “ _You_ do not understand,” Naomi tells him. “Watch where you place your faith, Castiel. You are an angel, not a human. Do not forget that.”

                After the meeting, that is all he remembers.

                As the years pass, Castiel meets with Naomi more and more, and remembers less and less. It becomes harder for him to tell the difference between who he really is and who he is forced to be. It doesn’t help that he has no clue that there is even a difference to begin with.

                The other angels distance themselves from him, in that polite and neutral way they have, and Castiel cannot understand why. He has always done his duty, never disobeyed orders. Why do they act as though he is tainted?

                One day, Castiel is talking to Uriel as they observe their newest assignment – A relatively large Greek city. Castiel would not go so far as to say he doesn’t _like_ Uriel (after all, angels do not feel such things) but there is a certain … reluctance in their communications.

                “I just don’t understand you, Castiel,” Uriel tells him. “What do you see in these mud-monkeys, anyway?”

                “They are called humans, Uriel,” Castiel corrects him. “And they are our Father’s creations. Am I not supposed to ‘see something’ in them?”

                Uriel nods his reluctant agreement, but continues speaking nonetheless. “Of course, but that’s just a formality. You’re not supposed to _like_ them.” He looks at Castiel disapprovingly. “You’re not supposed to _like_ anything.”

                Castiel squinted at his brother. “It is permitted to take an interest in something, is it not? I will not let it interfere with my duty, and more than you let your _dislike_ of them interfere with yours.”

                Uriel looks more irritated than angels are supposed to be, but says nothing.

                It proves easier for him to do his job without complaint or disobedience than it is for Castiel. Only ten years flash by before he finds himself facing Naomi once again. He does not know who she is, but she sighs upon seeing him.

                “What’s wrong with you, Castiel? You aren’t supposed to care this much,” she says, a very subtle flicker of _something_ in her voice. “Something in you must be broken.”

                Castiel has no response. He does not know what she will do to him, but he wants her to get it over with.

                She does.

                Things become interesting for a while, and the garrison has plenty to do while it involves itself in the new religions springing up around their Father. Encouraging the religion is apparently more brutal than Castiel would have thought, and he loses a great deal of time in unremembered arguments with Naomi about his choices.

                He has noticed by now that the other angels do feel something. They are bitter or angry or condescending towards humanity, and generally somewhat disapproving of Castiel’s lack of such sentiments. He tells himself that there is nothing wrong with him. He tells himself that angels are not supposed to feel, and that although perhaps the emotions of his brethren are acceptable, lacking such feelings is not a dereliction of duty.

                He cannot help his own disapproval of his siblings’ attitudes towards humanity, but he can keep them to himself and pretend they are not there.

                After a time, events on Earth subside and it is decided that the humans can manage on their own. Castiel does not know why, but all garrisons are pulled back to Heaven and ordered not to leave. Instead of guiding humanity, he finds himself pouring over scripture and prophesies, watching the Earth from a distance rather than up close.

                He still sees Naomi, every once in a while. One day he finds himself in her “office” and knows – although he doesn’t understand how – that this is where angels are brought when they disobey.

                “I have not disobeyed,” he assures her. “I have been performing my duties.”

                “I know,” she tells him. “You have done your assigned tasks.” She sighs. “But don’t think we haven’t noticed your little obsession with humanity.”

                He blinks. “Obsession? I was only watching them.”

                “You were doing more than that, I think.” She studies him for a minute, as though searching for a broken gear. “You _love_ them. You’re _passionate_ about them. That is dangerous, Castiel. That is not how angels are meant to be.”

                He wants to tell her that it is how they _should_ be, that it is how they were told to be by their father when humanity was created, but he cannot find the words. All he finds is an empty memory and a distant sense that although humanity was there, it was not worth his attention.

                One day, Anneal chooses to Fall. Castiel doesn’t understand why – what could an angel want with Earth? What could possess someone to choose to do such a thing? Castiel cannot fathom it.

                If she had Fallen a year ago, before Castiel’s most recent session with Naomi, he would have understood. Still, despite all of his inappropriate interest in and love for humanity, Castiel knows he would never tear out his own Grace to join them. He still has faith in his Father, and cannot believe that He would condone ripping out his own essence.

                He misses Anna. As time passes and he picks up his interest in humanity once again, he remembers that she used to be perhaps the most sympathetic towards him out of all his siblings. When she expressed disappointment in him, it was always because “You always go back to being a good soldier”. Castiel never understood why that was a bad thing, or at least was never allowed to keep that understanding.

                Before he is sent to Hell to rescue Dean Winchester, Castiel is once again called in to meet Naomi.

                “Should you succeed,” she says, “I will need you to do your duty, and nothing more. The humans are not your concern beyond what we require of you. Is that understood?”

                “Yes,” Castiel tells her. He knows all this, although he does not always understand it.

                “Good,” she replies. “But I know you, Castiel. Too much heart every time. We will need to be sure.”

                When he meets the Winchesters, Castiel knows that angels do not feel for humanity.

                When he sides with the Winchesters, Castiel does not know that he has been on their side all along.


End file.
